winter?

For some reason in the last few days I've really been craving winter time. Up until last fall, I never wanted winter, I've been strictly a summer person. Through the changes in my outlook on life that have occurred over the past two years I've developed a love for winter. There are so many emotions that go along with the imagery of winter. I suppose I crave those emotions and achieve those emotions to their fullest extent in winter time. I've been listening to my winter music a lit in the past few days, such as Imogen Heap, Kate Havnevik, Royksopp, etc. I hope winter is in full swing when I'm home for christmas this year.

on missing out

Yesterday we went to the beach. It was the first time I've been to the beach since being in Charleston. It was very odd to walk onto the beach 1000 miles up the coast and feel like it should be the same. It wasn't tho. I was with my parents, which was all fine and good, but it was one of the moments when I really miss Charleston. It isn't entirely Charleston itself that I miss, while I do love the city, but more so, the people I've met there and developed friendships with there. I've been so incredibly blessed to have met so many wonderful people. Every time I think back on my decision to leave for the spring semester my heart aches at the thought of all of that time lost that could have been spent with friends. I often wonder about all of the things I've missed. Whenever I see people's photos on fbook I think, I should be in those pictures. But because of one ill-founded decision, I wasted a semester of my college career and spent my time at home just watching the clock and waiting for it to be over. I intend to live the rest of my college life to the fullest I possibly can. I don't want to miss anything.

Canopy

On the way to the house I took a little detour. There are a few farms and vineyards around so I decided to drive away from civilization and take a look at the stars. It was simply amazing. The stars were so close it looked like you could reach out and pinch one right out of the sky. No moon was visible, which, as I decided in my extremely limited knowledge of astronomy, is why I were able to see so many. It would take hours to count them all and you would undoubtedly lose track of what you had already counted.

Amidst my busy and somewhat tiresome summer that I have mentioned previously, I have seldom stopped to admire my surroundings and enjoy the beauty that only summertime can offer. (The only other time was when I got somewhat lost in central park, which I did not mind at all.) Upon getting out of the car, the light summer night breeze kissed my skin and played with my hair. The sounds were solely of leaves rustling in trees, bugs chirping, and the not so distant ocean waves constantly rolling in and out. It was one of those moments when you know that that is exactly where you are supposed to be at that moment in time. (I think I got that from a movie but that's exactly how it felt.)

Amagansett

Amagansett is ten times as beautiful as I remembered it. Perhaps it's just the length of my absence that made me forget why it is people come here. Perhaps because I haven't been here, now everything seems refreshed and new again.

For those of you who don't know, Amagansett is out at the end of Long Island, New York, just past East Hampton. My grandparents have a house out here. It was built by the hands of my great-grandparents along with their children, which includes my grandfather.

The house sits atop a hill, the highest point of the property, as to get the most sun in the winter and the most breeze in the summer. The gravel driveway meanders through the lush trees up to the house. The weathered wood siding ages with the trees.

Charleston, Je t'aime.

It seems to me as though throughout my day, the majority of my thoughts revolve around leaving my current state of being. Leaving school, leaving work, leaving PA and getting back to Charleston. My heart aches at the thought of every moment that I missed not being there this past semester. There is nothing for me here. I just can not wait to leave.

work work work

Before I start, I'm just going to remark on my affinity towards repetition in titles. e.g. "thinking thinking thinking" and "work work work." I'll try not to continue and over use the concept, so back to work.

I've been noticing the past few days how people live in regards to their careers. For those of you who don't know, I work at a camera store. It's an ok job. I enjoy helping people. It's a very personal environment as far as retail jobs go. When I'm at work, I really do have the ability to make someone's day a little bit better. It's a good summer job for a college student.

That being said, I always wonder about the ones who aren't college students working through school. Take Chuck, my manager, for instance. He's probably in his forties. He's a really nice guy and all but he's spending his life working at a Ritz Camera. I know not everyone has the opportunity to do whatever they want for their career, but I would assume if I were in that situation, I would not settle for something such as Ritz camera.

Does one just lose motivation to strive for something better? Or is one merely comfortable, with no need to change? Do you just get stuck in the same routine and end up working at the same job for years only to (I know this is cliche but..) wake up one day and wonder where the last ten years of your life went?

I would like to think that I'm far too cognizant to not realize that I'm trapped in monotony. However I feel that I too will end up working in a cubical under florescent lights, shivering in my Mr. Rogers sweater while I wait for five o'clock to roll around. Now if my job in my cubical is vastly fascinating, always changing and challenging, and perhaps in another country, then I might be ok with it. I'm just afraid of getting stuck.



P.s. I've been watching tonssss of movies lately so I'm going to have a "movie on my mind" section featuring the movie of the week, day, or hour, whatever the case may be.

Movie on my Mind:
Chaos Theory
featuring Ryan Reynolds of "Two Guys a Girl and a Pizza Place" fame, and the beautiful Emily Mortimer of Woody Allen's "Match Point," a personal favorite.

Basically some kind of ridiculous stuff happens to Ryan's character but of course in the end love prevails.

I recommend it.

summertime blues

Lately I've developed a case of the summertime blues. I wake up, go to work, come home, go to school, come home, do homework, go to sleep, repeat ad nauseam. I would assume that is the cause of my blueness. But even if I weren't so busy with work and school, I believe I would still feel a certain emptiness throughout my day. There's a constant lack of meaning in my routine. As it stands, there is no apparent remedy to my situation. It will last until August, at which point I will free myself from the monotony of Ritz camera and DCCC and return home to Charleston.

That is how I have felt since my return to Pennsylvania in January, this is no longer my home. There is nothing for me here, save for my parents and a few friends. My trip to Charleston for the month of april was extremely liberating. I narrowly escaped the possibility of being in Philadelphia for the next two or more years, which probably would have turned out to be ok.

But that's all it would be, ok. Nothing more. I don't want ok. I want more than ok. If I was fine with ok, I never would have transferred from Penn State I would be headed up to the middle of nowhere, Pennsylvania to spend my days with about 50,000 other college students and only college students. That would have been ok.

For now, I will call Charleston home. Only my second home in my active memory. As the saying goes, home is where the heart is. I don't know how long my heart will remain in Charleston but that is where I belong for now.

Thinking thinking thinking...

I feel as though it might be beneficial to my mental health to write down my thoughts on things and happenings in the life of Ryan. Whether or not people will actually read them or not is not up to me. If you do feel like reading, that's grand. I'm all for people reading whatever I write, otherwise I wouldn't use a medium such as a blog.

If you do read this, feel free to comment and/or share your thoughts on my thoughts... or just say, "hey, what's up?"